52

or it's your birthday and all I got you is this lousy substack

52 reminds me of a yinyang symbol. I think it suits you, my Libra love, and turning fifty-two as a Libra must mean you’re going to be extra balanced this year. I fell down a rabbit hole of reading about the symbol and its origins after that initial thought, as one does. The earliest usage was simply the Chinese characters “yin” and “yang”, and used to describe solitary concepts like light or darkness, day or night, and other natural phenomenons. But they weren’t connected as a singular concept, hyphenated or not, until later when it was first recorded in a book of songs: “Viewing the scenery at a hill, looking for yinyang” in referring to how while one side of the hill is shaded, the sun is on the other side and so light happens at the same time. This is the first instance of a definition of yinyang as a kind of balance of opposites, and eventually a way of living.

Elvira Gord

But I’m not writing you a lecture on yinyang for your birthday. I just thought how appropriate that philosophy is for you, for us. How, in most cases, we balance the scales of our relationship and even though in our earliest years there were some fiery arguments and crazy circumstances, be it from internal or external influences, we mostly find solid ground together.

The past year and a half has certainly been the biggest “test”, and has thrown me off balance, at least. But I watch as you press on through sickness and uncertainty with a whole hell of a lot more grace than I would, and it reminds me why I fell in love with you. One of the reasons anyway. You hardly complain, even when I tell you it’s perfectly acceptable for one to complain about chemo, you accept the news or lack of news we get from doctors even when it’s vague or conflicting, and you keep doing all the things you love doing: gaming, writing, reading, exercising, chopping wood. That last one is questionable, but hey, I’m glad someone enjoys it because I enjoy heat in January.

I write a lot about how two things can be true at the same time, or how important I think it is to embrace two opposing thoughts or truths. It’s probably one of the greatest concepts I’ve needed to embrace over and over throughout my life as a way to cope, accept, and move forward. It has proved to be the way to find harmony with my parents, and acceptance with circumstances I don’t want to be true, but have no control over. But you seem to live that philosophy out with far less need to be convinced of its truth repeatedly. It’s a more natural process, I think, for you, whereas intellectually I believe it, but on a daily basis I still often fight it. I want the ease of an absolute. Probably why I do write about it so much; I’m still figuring it out. I could say it’s the Libra in you, but I think it’s more the life experience in you. And I’m very grateful that you share it with me.

We’re not doing much this year, since it’s a treatment week, but we probably wouldn’t have been doing much anyway. We had an early birthday dinner with some friends which was really nice—the reminder that people are in our corner all the time, and us in theirs. That’s a nice kind of balance also.

So, Happy 52, love. I’m happy we’re spending the day together, however that will look. I think that’s all we really wish for anymore, with birthdays. To enjoy the day it is.

And for anyone else who actually read this, Happy October 3rd. Enjoy the day it is.

May it bring us all some balance.